Random Pairing Generator
by Chasing.Caffeine
Summary: What happens when you put a bunch of pieces of paper with all the names of the HP characters on them in a hat, and pair them up haphazardly.
1. Lucius Malfoy and Madam Pomfrey

Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J

D**isclaimer: **Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, whom I am not.

**Summary: **What happens when you put a bunch of pieces of paper with all the names of the HP characters on them in a hat, and pair them up haphazardly. Oh, dear.

**Note: **Bad things happen when I get bored…But really, it seemed like a fun concept. Basically just short stories featuring whatever unfortunate pair that was picked. Each chapter will feature a different pairing.

**Warning: **Since I cannot control "Teh Mighty and All-Powerful Hat of Teh Shippiness", it is highly probable that there is some slash in this fic. But not serious slash, because I can't write slash, even if I tried. So, the really pointless, nonsensical, poking-fun-at essence of slash. But, if that sort of thing bothers you, then don't read.

ONWARD!

**Chapter One:** Lucius Malfoy/ Madam Pomfrey

There were only a few things that Lucius Malfoy really valued in life.

One, of course, was money. He was a Malfoy, so that much would be obvious. Another was power, also expected. The last, however, was part of the category of things in his life that he would much rather keep discreet.

Love, for example, was in the category. He had been trying very hard to follow the trend of hatred and death and general emomania his Dark Lord was preaching, and so, love had to go. But Lucius liked to think himself as a deep and complicated guy, so he left a little room in his heart for his wife and son. Just so, he had thought, to give St. Peter a bit of a harder time in deciding whether he should go to hell or not.

But recently, he had to expand that little room, for one more very special woman. A fair lady he called "Popcorn-ikins", when there was no one in vicinity capable of Legilimencing him.

Because, in fact, Lucius Malfoy was blissfully and painfully in love with Poppy Pomfrey.

It wasn't that he didn't love Narcissa. But he could never deny that a woman with a handful of gauze and Pepper-Up Potion turned him on.

So, Lucius had made an appointment with the Headmaster to "check up on the current curriculum". Afterwards, he made a bee-line for the hospital wing. He had straightened his clothes, quickly combed his hair, and dolloped on a motherload of complicated glamour charms to make himself look even more, as he liked to call it, "Lucius-ly luscious". After checking his reflection in the chest plate of a disgruntled suit of armor, he cleared his throat and knocked prestigiously on the door.

Then, he walked in. Lucius liked to think of him knocking as a warning that he was entering, and not as a question of whether he could or not.

Soon after, Madam Pomfrey bustled towards him, tripped on a roll of bandages, and swore brilliantly. Then, she cleared her throat and said, "Why hello, Mr. Malfoy, but I thought you knew better than to disrupt a sick person while he was being treated." She waggled her finger at him, as if he were a naughty wizard caught with his hand in the Cauldron Cake jar. Then, to reinforce her previous statement, a high-pitched voice behind a screen said in a sort of strangled tone, "Um, Madam Pomfrey, the boil is _moving_…"

"Ah, well, Miss Bernis, I did tell you not to poke it!" The nurse muttered a quick "excuse me" and hastened to the screen. Lucius could only see the shadows cast through the curtain. He heard battle cries, the sound of ripping cloth, and a woeful sort of squelching.

Madam Pomfrey reappeared from behind the screen looking slightly disheveled, and holding what resembled a piece of brown jello. Holding it at arms' length, as it had begun to smoke and shudder, she conjured a cauldron and threw it in unceremoniously. Then, she clapped her hands. A house elf materialized.

"Plinky, tell the headmaster that Hogwarts is having Chowder Surprise tonight," Madam Pomfrey stated in all seriousness. The house elf bowed, looked pityingly at the student behind the screen, and promptly popped away.

Dusting off her hands, she turned to Lucius and said, "So, what did you need again?"

Regaining his composure, he said in his most svelte drawl, "Why, to see the woman I love, of course."

Madam Pomfrey blinked, and then shook her head. "Oh you poor, confused soul," She tutted sadly, "You don't love me. You love money, and power, and cheesecake. See," her face took on a stern expression, "This is what happens when you get yourself stuck inside a really strange product of a bored teenage mind."

Lucius processed this slowly. Then, he tried again, "No, I really do love you-"

"Don't be ridiculous," she said. "Why don't you have some chowder?"

And Lucius did. It was horrible. "Now wait just a minute-" he began.

Again, Madam Pomfrey shook her head. She sipped at her chowder thoughtfully, and said, "Mr. Malfoy, don't you just love the sunny weather?"

Lucius got frustrated. "Listen, woman, I'm trying to proclaim my undying affection for you-"

"And I want a unicorn!" Madam Pomfrey stated with conviction, and left the hospital wing.

Lucius pinched the bridge of his nose, then released slowly. Oh well, he thought, and helped himself to some more chowder before leaving the grounds.

Silence overtook the hospital wing, and sunlight flooded the room in all serenity. From behind the curtains, a very terrified student said, "Madam Pomfrey, I think the boil had babies…Oh dear Merlin, it's…Madam Pomfrey? Madam Pomfrey?!"

**Caffeine's Corner: **Well. That certainly was a strange pairing to write. I'm just glad it wasn't Lucius/Luna; I might've killed myself trying to write that. Hope you enjoyed it, and I'll try to update soon. Please review, and constructive criticism is always helpful!


	2. Zacharias Smith and Helga Hufflepuff

**Note: **Thanks so much for all the reviews! They made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Well, here is chapter two of my increasingly pointless series. Enjoy!

**Chapter Two: **Zacharias Smith/ Helga Hufflepuff

_I am the ninja. I am stealth._ _I am the darkness, and the shadows, undetectable, blending with the walls-_

"Mr. Smith, just where do you think you are going?" came a reprimanding voice.

_Bollocks. _

"Uh…" Zacharias Smith stalled a bit, "Um, to the library, Professor Sprout." He gave an unconvincing grin.

"Well, we're having Happy Hufflepuff Hour soon, so hurry on back!" She said cheerfully. Then, in a hushed voice, "So, who's the lucky lady?"

"…uh." Zacharias looked at the professor and backed away. Then, as he was climbing out of the still-life painting, he mumbled, "Your mother…"

And so, little Zacharias was on his way. It was one of his goals to maintain sanity by sneaking out to avoid "Happy Hufflepuff Hour". He had attended it once, and actually felt, Merlin forbid, happy. It was just not right.

Zacharias followed the stairs, not really knowing or caring where he was going. He didn't really feel like going to the library, and had tried to stay away from broom closets after he heard about Percy Weasley and Penelope Clearwater. So, he wandered.

At some point, he realized that he didn't really recognize any of his surroundings. A little after that point, he realized he didn't really care. _I don't know where I am_, he told himself, _that doesn't mean I'm lost. _

"Are you lost, honey?" Asked one of the portraits.

"No." Zacharias said a bit too defensively.

"Uh-huh." The lady in the portrait shook her head, "Well, it always pained me to see one of my little badgers not knowing where they were." Then, she looked pointedly down at him.

"I'm not a badger, ma'am." Zacharias said slowly.

The portrait stared at him. "Metaphorically, honey."

Zacharias blinked. "Oh, yeah, I'm in Hufflepuff…" He nodded a bit. Then, "Wait, so you're…"

"Helga Hufflepuff, yes," The lady smiled.

"Oh. Hi," Zacharias said.

"Come on, boy, I'm your great Founder, I want to see some groveling," She said, suddenly fierce.

Zacharias panicked. His ego was pretty big; it might betray him. He bent down, trying not to twitch, and said, "Grovel, grovel…"

Hufflepuff nodded satisfactorily. Then, she said, "Now compliment me!"

Well, this _was_ Helga Hufflepuff. His ego would just have to get over it. Still on his knees, Zacharias said, "Um, you're very talented and intelligent, ma'am."

"And…?"

"Uh," Zacharias fumbled around. Telling people how great they were was not of his expertise. He was used to it being the other way around. "You're very, uh, very beautiful, and kind, and generous…"

"Go on, honey." The portrait said happily.

"You're also very wise, and graceful, and, uh, young-looking," Hey, he was getting the hang of it! "And very bright and pretty and witty and ga-uh, good!" Oh, that was close. Didn't want to offend anyone.

The portrait hummed contentedly.

Zacharias continued. "You're also very powerful, and benevolent, and merciful and giving, and you are very knowledgeable, and it is a privilege to grovel at your feet!" He carried on like a bulldozer, "You're very elegant and stately and refined, and also very grand, and sophisticated, and humble, and majestic, and gentle, and all-knowing!" He paused to breathe.

"Oh, you're just too kind," Hufflepuff fanned herself.

Then, another lady crammed herself into the portrait. "Violet! You ought to be ashamed of yourself!" She t'sked and crossed her arms, "Honestly, fishing for compliments like that…"

Zacharias stood up. "Wait, so you're not Helga Hufflepuff?"

The-lady-who-was-formerly-known-as-Hufflepuff-but-is-now-Violet giggled and said, "But you still meant all those things you said, right?" Then she gave one last cackle and dived out of the portrait.

The other lady shook her head. Then she turned to Zacharias, "Sorry, sonny, Violet's had a few too many butterbeers lately."

Zacharias digested this. Then, he said, "So, where is Helga Hufflepuff?"

The lady waved her hand dismissively, "Oh, she's down in another portrait near the kitchens, trying to teach the house elves how to prepare tonight's chowder."

"Okay," Zacharias said, "Well, um, thanks. And bye."

"Bye dear," the lady said, "If you hurry, you can still catch Happy Hour!"

Zacharias turned to leave, and then realized he had no clue as to where he was. He decided the follow a line of yellow bricks, and miraculously made it back to the common rooms. When he returned, Professor Sprout was too high off happiness to scold him, so he slipped off to his rooms and set to nursing back whatever dignity he had left.

**Caffeine's Corner: **That wasn't the best way to end a story, but oh well. Anyway, I'm working on the next chapter, and have not gotten any slash pairings yet, surprisingly, since the ratio of guys to girls in the HP universe is like, 3 to 1. So, please review! And thanks again to all my reviewers. I love you all!


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